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November 27, 2002 - 1:16 PM
Ritual Weekend
Ritual Weekend
There's going to be much excitement this weekend. Me and the girls will be conducting our monthly rituals.
Normally we go into the woods and dance around naked and chant, etc. We enjoy it and it makes us feel closer to The Earth Mother. And we know that The Earth Mother appreciates it because we've all stopped aging.
But this month's rituals are going to be different. In the past we've used gingerbread men in the sacrifices. Up until now, they've seemed like a good compromise. But we've sensed that The Earth Mother has been a little grumpy. And we've had indications that She's a little less then satisfied with our normal rituals. The most glaring of these indications is that I have developed blemishes on my Perfect AssŪ.
Since we know that The Earth Mother is very old, She probably misses the old ways. She's probably just nostalgic and it is making Her moody. So, we've decided to make Her happy and follow the rituals the way they were supposed to be done. No more gingerbread men. We were able to get a couple of volunteers so, this weekend we will sacrifice the real thing. The Earth Mother will be doubly pleased that we were able to get two!
First we are going to perform the fertility sacrifice for Her. This will involve taking the sacrifices and making them spill their seed. We will stimulate the sacrifices until they are ready to release their seed. The seed will then be spilled upon the breast of The Earth Mother. She demands a money shot.
Then there will be the life sacrifice. The Mother Earth will quiver with joy once She feels the blood pour forth upon her womb. Actually, we have been giving The Earth Mother blood sacrifices every month, but She is bored with them. I think the problem is that we'd sacrifice the blood anyway to the Porcelain God each month. I think The Earth Mother has decided that that particular blood sacrifice isn't special enough. Its not particular to her and stuff, ya know. That's why we're going to give Her regular blood this weekend.
After the fertility sacrifice and the life sacrifice we're going to perform the bone sacrifice. I've never sucked fresh marrow out of warm slippery bones before, so this should be fun. One of the girls called it "pulled pork". After the marrow is sucked, then we have to grind the bones into a fine powder. According to the ancient texts, we are then obliged to sniff the powder into our noses off of each other's derrieres. After about 20 minutes we should start having visions.
I can't wait. I hope The Earth Mother will be super pleased and eradicate these blemishes from my Perfect AssŪ. This weekend we are going to have the best rituals ever! Its going to be SICK!
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